The Baltimore Ravens as Characters from The Wire

The game's the game.

With the New England Patriots playing the Baltimore Ravens this week in the AFC Championship Game, I had no choice but to break out The Wire box set. For many, perhaps myself included, The Wire has become the portrait of what people perceive Baltimore to be. The street crime, the violence, the drug dealing, the failed bureaucracy has become synonymous with the city of Baltimore. Even more so, however, The Wire is about the characters. That got me thinking. What if we had the Baltimore Ravens as characters in The Wire.

Crazy eyes.

John Harbaugh is the head coach of the Ravens. He took over the position at a pretty young age and he is the leader of that team. To me, he is like Mayor Thomas Carcetti. When Carcetti took over the city of Baltimore, he was hopeful of bringing change to the city. Like Carcetti, Harbaugh was hopeful, but he found out real fast that he was taking over a bunch of misfits and a murderer. Things haven’t been as bright as they seemed when he took over and Baltimore has struggled to get back to the Super Bowl, despite consistently having one of the most consistently fearsome defenses in the league. This is the third time the Baltimore Ravens have made the AFC Championship, but they haven’t been to the Super Bowl since their 2000 championship glory.

It is no secret that Baltimore’s offense has been disappointing. They fired Cam Cameron midseason. With Joe Flacco as the head honcho of the offense, there’s a challenge with heading the Baltimore offense. You’re also constantly overshadowed by the defense. This is why I have Jim Caldwell, Baltimore’s offensive coordinator, as Bunny Colvin. When Bunny was challenged with reducing crime in his district, he came up with Hamsterdam, a drugzone, which was effectual. He had a similar response to the trouble kids at the elementary school. He’s a solutions man. Caldwell seems to be the solutions man for the Baltimore offense. In the five games he has been in charge, Caldwell’s offense has averaged 26.8 points per game and 416.6 yards per game. Caldwell is getting the results.

Joe Flacco has claimed to be “elite,” but he’s consistently failed to take his team to the promise land. Flacco is a player with a big mouth and many flaws. There is no doubting that he has gotten the results, but he cannot seem to get over the top. For that, he is akin to Jimmy McNulty. McNulty is a good detective, may be even a great detective, but he is always getting himself in trouble with his mouth. He cannot stay within the chain of command. It is this which gets him sent to the Marine unit and relegated back to the Western District. McNulty’s circumventing gets him in trouble, whenever he might get some credit. Similarly, Flacco opens his mouth on the verge of getting credit, only to be a massive disappointment soon thereafter.

Fuck.

Ray Rice is a righteous dude, like Bunk Moreland. While McNulty is a cavalier, Bunk upholds the law. He covers McNulty’s ass. He might not always get credit for it, but he’s the best damn detective on the squad because he not only does his job, but he stays in line. He knows about the chain of command. Rice doesn’t always get the credit he deserves, but he’s one of the best running backs in the NFL. He’s not a talker. He does his job and helps the team win football games.

I feel Torrey Smith is like Michael Lee. Smith is actually one of the few players on the Ravens I really like. He’s a big play receiver. He seems like a good dude. I have him as Mike Lee because I feel like they are both a bit tortured. It is always insinuated that Lee is uncomfortable with authoritative men. He’s a guy that wants to do right by his brother. Smith lost his brother earlier this year, yet still played in the game against the Patriots, doing right by his teammates. I don’t know man, I just like the two, I think both are underrated.

RIP.

Haloti Ngata is Prop Joe. Because they’re both fat.

Word.

Ray Lewis is Avon Barksdale. He is the baddest motherfucker on the westside. I’m not sure this has to really be explained. They’re both soldiers.

Brandon Ayanbadejo is DeAngelo Barksdale. DeAngelo is a big talker, which we see in the first episode when he is boasting about how his cousin, Avon, got him off the murder case as well as when he decides to snitch on his crew. He’s also a philosopher, which we see as he explains Chess to the younguns, and we know he has a compassionate side. In the end, he’s too empathetic and not tough enough to last. Like DeAngelo, Ayanbadejo has a big mouth. He has his own convictions and philosophy too.

Cocaine!

Terrell Suggs isn’t the type to talk shit about opposing teams, but he’s definitely a bit flashy as exemplified by his “Ball So Hard University” proclamation for his school (He went to Arizona State, for what it’s worth). For that reason, I feel like he’s Marlo Stanfield. Marlo tries to keep a low profile, but we see that he likes a bit of flash when he gets rims on his car or that ring. Marlo also represents the new power in Baltimore versus Avon’s old. This juxtaposition is similar to Suggs and Lewis.

Paul Kruger as Herc. When I watch Kruger play, I think of this.

Ed Reed is the number two guy you talk about when you think about the Ravens, with Lewis first. Reed was once a great player, but you watch him now, and you’re not so sure. He’s akin to Stringer Bell. Stringer is an incredible operations guy for the drug business, but when he tries to swim with the big boys of Baltimore’s legitimate business community, he’s out of his element. Ed Reed might be out of his element now. Might.

It’s no secret that Patriots fans hate Bernard Pollard. He has injured both Tom Brady and Rob Gronkowski. He’s a bit of a talker and he’s a bit dirty. I’d say he’s like Chris Partlow. Partlow isn’t afraid to get his hands dirty. He’s putting bodies in them vacants. Pollard isn’t beyond diving into a quarterbacks knee or rolling over after a tackle to twist a tight end’s ankle (Both links are Not Safe for Patriots Fans, by the way).

Honorable Mention: Former Baltimore kicker Billy Cundiff as Roland Pryzbylewski. Well, officer Pryzbylewski. The one that fucks up.

Bracketology: The Wire

Without getting into the characters that were left out of the bracket, like Slim Charles and Carver, I'll try and go through and fill my bracket. Let's not waste time here:

West Baltimore Region:

I've got Omar over Ziggy. This is really a no brainer, although Ziggy Sobotka is much easier to take on the second watch, Omar is The Wire. He's one of the best characters that's been on TV. Chris Partlow versus Dennis "Cutty" Wise is a tough one, but Cutty has one of my favorite quotes:

"The game, it ain't in me no more."

So I'd take Cutty over Partlow. Snoop versus D'Angelo is also a tough one. Snoop is a part of the Stanfield crew, who I generally did not like. D'Angelo is mentally weak and breaks down when he finds out that Stringer killed Wallace. Snoop wins this match up. Michael Lee is my favorite character from the crew of young uns. He demolishes Cheese, even though Cheese has this brilliant quote: 

Omar takes down Cutty and Michael Lee takes down Snoop, just like he did in the show. In the regional final, I have Michael Lee over Omar. Shocker? May be. Michael Lee becomes the Omar type renegade outcast at the end of the show. Take what you will out of that.

Hamsterdam Region:

Brother Mouzone is one of the best minor characters in television. Bunk Moreland is fucking Bunk Moreland:

Let's just say Bunk is one of my favorites to win this thing. He's a smooth talker and a ladies' man with a drinking problem. He's the man. 

Maurice Levy is one of the least likable characters in The Wire, but he's supposed to be that way. He's a sleazy lawyer. Wallace is a bitch who snitches (snitches get stitches). He clearly isn't ready for the world of drug trafficking. Levy takes this one. 

McNulty versus Daniels is a big mismatch for me. Daniels is one of my absolute least favorite characters on the show. I hate fifth season McNulty, but for most of the show, McNulty is the man. Furthermore, he pulls the hottest piece of ass on the entire show, Theresa D'Agostino:

McNulty wins that handily. 

Clay Davis versus Bubbles is a tough one because I don't like these characters much either. Bubbles is a smooth talking snitch. Davis is a corrupt politician. The winner between the two is pretty easy though:

Clay Davis wins.

In regional semis, Bunk defeats Levy and McNulty takes down Clay Davis, like he couldn't on the show. That gets us to Bunk versus McNulty in the region's final, partners. 

Bunk dominates for being sane.

The Ports Region:
Avon Barksdale, played by Wood Harris, is one of the realest characters on the show. Roland Pryzbylewski is an incompetent cop turned teacher. Barksdale takes this first round match up easily.

As Kenard says, "Dukie fight like a bitch." Meanwhile, Carcetti is a successful white politician in a black city. Do you have any idea how hard that is to do? Carcetti for Mayor! For governor! For bracket buster?

I have Sergei "Boris" Malatov defeating Bunny Colvin. Sergei is a bad man. Prop Joe takes down Frank Sobotka. In the semis, I have Avon over Carcetti and Prop Joe over Boris.

In the basketball game between the East side and the West side, Prop Joe saves his ringer for the second half after they've upped the wager. The West side wins the basketball game. In this match up, Avon wins. Period. No propositions to be made Prop Joe. You lose.

East Baltimore Region:

Stringer Bell is a great character and beloved by many, but not this guy. He's a drug dealer, but he's not street. He has no spine. He doesn't understand the game.

He's not hard enough for the game, not smart enough to be legit. Herc on the other hand, he's awesome:

Herc takes down Stringer Bell in a first round upset. Wee-Bay is a stand up dude who takes a million murder charges. Lester Freemon is a great detective, but also helps McNulty get his case against Marlo in the fifth season. You've got to give that match up to Wee-Bay. 

Bodie Broadus versus William Rawls is a joke. Bodie is like that top seeded team that got overlooked. He destroys Rawls in this. Stanfield versus Kima is very interesting as well. I don't like either of these two characters very much. I'll give it to Marlo. 

The top of this bracket is weak, but you've got to give it to Herc. Unlike the show, Bodie takes down Marlo and Bodie takes down Herc to take the region. 

Final Four:

In the Final Four, I have Michael Lee versus Bunk Moreland and Avon Barksdale against Bodie Broadus.

I like Mike Lee a lot because he's true with his friends, a stand up dude, and a gangster. He doesn't let people push him around and he takes care of his crew and his lil bro. Bunk's virtues have already been stated. He's so quotable: 

I've got to give this one to Bunk, to advance to the finals.

The other match up is tough. Avon and Bodie are two of my favorites in the Barksdale crew. They're very similar too in their outlook. I relate more to Bodie as a growing adolescent though, so I have to give it to Bodie. Bodie also has the best death scene in the entire show: 

Bunk versus Bodie in the finals. This is still a tough call, but I think you've got to give it to Bunk.

Bunk Moreland, Champion of The Wire.