The 49ers as Full House

Prior to the AFC Championship, I compared the Baltimore Ravens players and coaches to characters on The Wire. My original intentions was to compare the winner of the NFC Championship to characters on a show or movie that took place in that city, if the Patriots won. Unfortunately, the Patriots lost. Despite this, I've decided to go ahead with the San Francisco 49ers as characters on Full House.

Keep in mind, I haven't watched Full House in ages, so the comparisons might be pretty terrible. This whole concept is terrible though, so it's okay.

Jim Harbaugh is the leader of the 49ers. He's the brick and mortar guy who has changed the whole attitude of the team. He is the backbone of the franchise, providing the team with a mentality to succeed. He's also quirky, which is reflected in his odd sideline reactions.

H/T SBNation

Much like Harbaugh, Danny Tanner is the backbone of Full House. He is quirky in that he is OCD about cleanliness.

Colin Kaepernick is the new kid on the block. A lot has been made about Kaepernick's emergence. He's given the Niners a new edge. He is the Michelle Tanner of the Niners. He is the "you got it dude" player that the Niners' offense lacked.

With the Niners now running the pistol and zone read concepts, the offense has taken off and so has Kaepernick's stardom. Michelle Tanner was the cute character that spurred the Olson twins to stardom.

Alex Smith lost his job when he suffered a concussion. Deciding the starting quarterback was a difficult decision for Harbaugh to make. Now, Alex Smith is sad:

With all due seriousness, he's been a consumate professional, but he's had a troubled career. You can tell he's not happy about sitting on the sidelines too. In many ways, Smith is the Stephanie Tanner of the group. Smith hasn't had the smoothest career, especially for a number one draft pick. Stephanie struggled with a lot of things too such as drugs, partying, joy riding, and child abuse. She also struggled to deal with all the attention the new kid, Michelle, got. Smith is clearly struggling as well. 

Frank Gore is the work horse of the offense. He is good to carry the ball as many times as you need and he's the guy people can rely on. In many ways, Frank Gore is the D.J. Tanner of the Niners. DJ isn't really the face of the show, but she's a solid character that cares about others. Gore, having spent so much time in SF, seems to be that type of guy for the 49ers. 

LaMichael James is a talent that brings that strange x-factor that nobody else brings to the team. He can return kicks, he can run out of the backfield, he can catch balls. He can do it all. He is a unique talent. He is also the running mate of Frank Gore. In that way, he's sort of the Kimmy Gibbler of the team. Say what you will about Kimmy, but she is unique. LaMichael James is a special player.

I could watch Vernon Davis play forever. Everything about his game is elegant and smooth. He can run like the wind. He's got terrific hands. He's a solid blocker. Many football fans would see him to be the perfect tight end. He hasn't always had it easy though. 

It is in this way that I see him as the Uncle Jesse of the Niners. Uncle Jesse was a high school dropout that becomes a success, running his own club and playing in his own band. Oh yeah, John Stamos has perfect hair too. 

Patrick Willis is the best linebacker in the game. He makes tackles. He drops in coverage. He makes plays. In that way, I see him as the Uncle Joey of the 49ers. Let's be honest, Joey is the funniest guy on Full House and the show is a sitcom. What Joey provides to Full House, Willis provides to the 49ers in the form of leadership, physicality, and play-making abilities. 

Clearly, not the same person.

I confuse Justin and Aldon Smith all the time. There's nothing really to mistake. They don't play the same position. Justin is a defensive end and Aldon is a linebacker. They do not have the same colored skin. Justin is white and Aldon is black. However, beyond Willis, they are the two most talked about players on that 49ers defense. My personal confusion leads me to say that they are the twins, Nicky and Alex. 

Greg Roman has been the mastermind of the 49ers offense. The Niners offense is unique. It's traditional and it's new school at the same time. Roman, in his capacity as offensive coordinator, works with Jim Harbaugh, keeping the distinctly physical nature of football that Harbaugh wants to play. Furthermore, he works with the offense, getting the most out of Vernon Davis, Frank Gore, LaMichael James, and Colin Kaepernick. In this way, I see him as the Rebecca Donaldson. Rebecca works with Danny on talk show, which takes care of the Roman-Harbaugh relationship. She is also the solid female lead, providing a shoulder to lean on and someone to relate to for DJ, Stephanie, and Michelle. Lastly, she is married to Uncle Jesse. They bring the best out of each other. Watching the NFC Championship game, Greg Roman got the most out of Vernon Davis. Greg Roman is Rebecca Donaldson. 

So there you have it. We have it. It's The Wire vs Full House for all the glory. We'll find out who wins on Sunday.

The Baltimore Ravens as Characters from The Wire

The game's the game.

With the New England Patriots playing the Baltimore Ravens this week in the AFC Championship Game, I had no choice but to break out The Wire box set. For many, perhaps myself included, The Wire has become the portrait of what people perceive Baltimore to be. The street crime, the violence, the drug dealing, the failed bureaucracy has become synonymous with the city of Baltimore. Even more so, however, The Wire is about the characters. That got me thinking. What if we had the Baltimore Ravens as characters in The Wire.

Crazy eyes.

John Harbaugh is the head coach of the Ravens. He took over the position at a pretty young age and he is the leader of that team. To me, he is like Mayor Thomas Carcetti. When Carcetti took over the city of Baltimore, he was hopeful of bringing change to the city. Like Carcetti, Harbaugh was hopeful, but he found out real fast that he was taking over a bunch of misfits and a murderer. Things haven’t been as bright as they seemed when he took over and Baltimore has struggled to get back to the Super Bowl, despite consistently having one of the most consistently fearsome defenses in the league. This is the third time the Baltimore Ravens have made the AFC Championship, but they haven’t been to the Super Bowl since their 2000 championship glory.

It is no secret that Baltimore’s offense has been disappointing. They fired Cam Cameron midseason. With Joe Flacco as the head honcho of the offense, there’s a challenge with heading the Baltimore offense. You’re also constantly overshadowed by the defense. This is why I have Jim Caldwell, Baltimore’s offensive coordinator, as Bunny Colvin. When Bunny was challenged with reducing crime in his district, he came up with Hamsterdam, a drugzone, which was effectual. He had a similar response to the trouble kids at the elementary school. He’s a solutions man. Caldwell seems to be the solutions man for the Baltimore offense. In the five games he has been in charge, Caldwell’s offense has averaged 26.8 points per game and 416.6 yards per game. Caldwell is getting the results.

Joe Flacco has claimed to be “elite,” but he’s consistently failed to take his team to the promise land. Flacco is a player with a big mouth and many flaws. There is no doubting that he has gotten the results, but he cannot seem to get over the top. For that, he is akin to Jimmy McNulty. McNulty is a good detective, may be even a great detective, but he is always getting himself in trouble with his mouth. He cannot stay within the chain of command. It is this which gets him sent to the Marine unit and relegated back to the Western District. McNulty’s circumventing gets him in trouble, whenever he might get some credit. Similarly, Flacco opens his mouth on the verge of getting credit, only to be a massive disappointment soon thereafter.

Fuck.

Ray Rice is a righteous dude, like Bunk Moreland. While McNulty is a cavalier, Bunk upholds the law. He covers McNulty’s ass. He might not always get credit for it, but he’s the best damn detective on the squad because he not only does his job, but he stays in line. He knows about the chain of command. Rice doesn’t always get the credit he deserves, but he’s one of the best running backs in the NFL. He’s not a talker. He does his job and helps the team win football games.

I feel Torrey Smith is like Michael Lee. Smith is actually one of the few players on the Ravens I really like. He’s a big play receiver. He seems like a good dude. I have him as Mike Lee because I feel like they are both a bit tortured. It is always insinuated that Lee is uncomfortable with authoritative men. He’s a guy that wants to do right by his brother. Smith lost his brother earlier this year, yet still played in the game against the Patriots, doing right by his teammates. I don’t know man, I just like the two, I think both are underrated.

RIP.

Haloti Ngata is Prop Joe. Because they’re both fat.

Word.

Ray Lewis is Avon Barksdale. He is the baddest motherfucker on the westside. I’m not sure this has to really be explained. They’re both soldiers.

Brandon Ayanbadejo is DeAngelo Barksdale. DeAngelo is a big talker, which we see in the first episode when he is boasting about how his cousin, Avon, got him off the murder case as well as when he decides to snitch on his crew. He’s also a philosopher, which we see as he explains Chess to the younguns, and we know he has a compassionate side. In the end, he’s too empathetic and not tough enough to last. Like DeAngelo, Ayanbadejo has a big mouth. He has his own convictions and philosophy too.

Cocaine!

Terrell Suggs isn’t the type to talk shit about opposing teams, but he’s definitely a bit flashy as exemplified by his “Ball So Hard University” proclamation for his school (He went to Arizona State, for what it’s worth). For that reason, I feel like he’s Marlo Stanfield. Marlo tries to keep a low profile, but we see that he likes a bit of flash when he gets rims on his car or that ring. Marlo also represents the new power in Baltimore versus Avon’s old. This juxtaposition is similar to Suggs and Lewis.

Paul Kruger as Herc. When I watch Kruger play, I think of this.

Ed Reed is the number two guy you talk about when you think about the Ravens, with Lewis first. Reed was once a great player, but you watch him now, and you’re not so sure. He’s akin to Stringer Bell. Stringer is an incredible operations guy for the drug business, but when he tries to swim with the big boys of Baltimore’s legitimate business community, he’s out of his element. Ed Reed might be out of his element now. Might.

It’s no secret that Patriots fans hate Bernard Pollard. He has injured both Tom Brady and Rob Gronkowski. He’s a bit of a talker and he’s a bit dirty. I’d say he’s like Chris Partlow. Partlow isn’t afraid to get his hands dirty. He’s putting bodies in them vacants. Pollard isn’t beyond diving into a quarterbacks knee or rolling over after a tackle to twist a tight end’s ankle (Both links are Not Safe for Patriots Fans, by the way).

Honorable Mention: Former Baltimore kicker Billy Cundiff as Roland Pryzbylewski. Well, officer Pryzbylewski. The one that fucks up.