The Baltimore Ravens as Characters from The Wire

The game's the game.

With the New England Patriots playing the Baltimore Ravens this week in the AFC Championship Game, I had no choice but to break out The Wire box set. For many, perhaps myself included, The Wire has become the portrait of what people perceive Baltimore to be. The street crime, the violence, the drug dealing, the failed bureaucracy has become synonymous with the city of Baltimore. Even more so, however, The Wire is about the characters. That got me thinking. What if we had the Baltimore Ravens as characters in The Wire.

Crazy eyes.

John Harbaugh is the head coach of the Ravens. He took over the position at a pretty young age and he is the leader of that team. To me, he is like Mayor Thomas Carcetti. When Carcetti took over the city of Baltimore, he was hopeful of bringing change to the city. Like Carcetti, Harbaugh was hopeful, but he found out real fast that he was taking over a bunch of misfits and a murderer. Things haven’t been as bright as they seemed when he took over and Baltimore has struggled to get back to the Super Bowl, despite consistently having one of the most consistently fearsome defenses in the league. This is the third time the Baltimore Ravens have made the AFC Championship, but they haven’t been to the Super Bowl since their 2000 championship glory.

It is no secret that Baltimore’s offense has been disappointing. They fired Cam Cameron midseason. With Joe Flacco as the head honcho of the offense, there’s a challenge with heading the Baltimore offense. You’re also constantly overshadowed by the defense. This is why I have Jim Caldwell, Baltimore’s offensive coordinator, as Bunny Colvin. When Bunny was challenged with reducing crime in his district, he came up with Hamsterdam, a drugzone, which was effectual. He had a similar response to the trouble kids at the elementary school. He’s a solutions man. Caldwell seems to be the solutions man for the Baltimore offense. In the five games he has been in charge, Caldwell’s offense has averaged 26.8 points per game and 416.6 yards per game. Caldwell is getting the results.

Joe Flacco has claimed to be “elite,” but he’s consistently failed to take his team to the promise land. Flacco is a player with a big mouth and many flaws. There is no doubting that he has gotten the results, but he cannot seem to get over the top. For that, he is akin to Jimmy McNulty. McNulty is a good detective, may be even a great detective, but he is always getting himself in trouble with his mouth. He cannot stay within the chain of command. It is this which gets him sent to the Marine unit and relegated back to the Western District. McNulty’s circumventing gets him in trouble, whenever he might get some credit. Similarly, Flacco opens his mouth on the verge of getting credit, only to be a massive disappointment soon thereafter.

Fuck.

Ray Rice is a righteous dude, like Bunk Moreland. While McNulty is a cavalier, Bunk upholds the law. He covers McNulty’s ass. He might not always get credit for it, but he’s the best damn detective on the squad because he not only does his job, but he stays in line. He knows about the chain of command. Rice doesn’t always get the credit he deserves, but he’s one of the best running backs in the NFL. He’s not a talker. He does his job and helps the team win football games.

I feel Torrey Smith is like Michael Lee. Smith is actually one of the few players on the Ravens I really like. He’s a big play receiver. He seems like a good dude. I have him as Mike Lee because I feel like they are both a bit tortured. It is always insinuated that Lee is uncomfortable with authoritative men. He’s a guy that wants to do right by his brother. Smith lost his brother earlier this year, yet still played in the game against the Patriots, doing right by his teammates. I don’t know man, I just like the two, I think both are underrated.

RIP.

Haloti Ngata is Prop Joe. Because they’re both fat.

Word.

Ray Lewis is Avon Barksdale. He is the baddest motherfucker on the westside. I’m not sure this has to really be explained. They’re both soldiers.

Brandon Ayanbadejo is DeAngelo Barksdale. DeAngelo is a big talker, which we see in the first episode when he is boasting about how his cousin, Avon, got him off the murder case as well as when he decides to snitch on his crew. He’s also a philosopher, which we see as he explains Chess to the younguns, and we know he has a compassionate side. In the end, he’s too empathetic and not tough enough to last. Like DeAngelo, Ayanbadejo has a big mouth. He has his own convictions and philosophy too.

Cocaine!

Terrell Suggs isn’t the type to talk shit about opposing teams, but he’s definitely a bit flashy as exemplified by his “Ball So Hard University” proclamation for his school (He went to Arizona State, for what it’s worth). For that reason, I feel like he’s Marlo Stanfield. Marlo tries to keep a low profile, but we see that he likes a bit of flash when he gets rims on his car or that ring. Marlo also represents the new power in Baltimore versus Avon’s old. This juxtaposition is similar to Suggs and Lewis.

Paul Kruger as Herc. When I watch Kruger play, I think of this.

Ed Reed is the number two guy you talk about when you think about the Ravens, with Lewis first. Reed was once a great player, but you watch him now, and you’re not so sure. He’s akin to Stringer Bell. Stringer is an incredible operations guy for the drug business, but when he tries to swim with the big boys of Baltimore’s legitimate business community, he’s out of his element. Ed Reed might be out of his element now. Might.

It’s no secret that Patriots fans hate Bernard Pollard. He has injured both Tom Brady and Rob Gronkowski. He’s a bit of a talker and he’s a bit dirty. I’d say he’s like Chris Partlow. Partlow isn’t afraid to get his hands dirty. He’s putting bodies in them vacants. Pollard isn’t beyond diving into a quarterbacks knee or rolling over after a tackle to twist a tight end’s ankle (Both links are Not Safe for Patriots Fans, by the way).

Honorable Mention: Former Baltimore kicker Billy Cundiff as Roland Pryzbylewski. Well, officer Pryzbylewski. The one that fucks up.